This past weekend I made a huge financial mistake. A mistake I thought would take me years to pay off. A mistake that the enemy used to attack me relentlessly. A mistake that broke me and had me yelling at God and wondering where I went wrong.
When we make a mistake most of us think, “Okay, how do we get out of this?” or “What’s a quick fix?” And usually in most cases that would work. In my case, I had signed legal documents that I would pay a large sum of money no matter what. And I saw no way out nor any quick fixes.
Before I get into this, here’s a little background on me. I recently moved to California from Florida. This is the first time I’ve moved out of my parents house and gone out on my own. I knew no one in California and all of my family members are in Florida. My love language is physical touch and yes I am a hugger. I love to travel over anything so I’m usually saving up and planning a trip almost always. Which means that I’m a bit furagal in my day-to-day life. I tend to pay everything in cash. If I don’t have the money then I probably don’t need it, in most cases. That’s just me. Okay back to the story.
So I sign these legal binding documents and went about my day. & before I even got home I realized that I have made a mistake. I call the office of where I made this purchase a few hours later asking them if it’s too late to undo this mistake. I didn’t get a clear answer but they promise to call back with an update. Hours went by and I got no word from them. That’s when I started to panic and cry, something I rarely do.
I felt as if there was a black cloud forcing itself into my heart. My thoughts were going wild. Things like, “You’re so stupid, you won’t be able to get out of this one. You’re doom. There’s no way out. Wow, you screwed up.” And I kept trying to refocused myself but I couldn’t. Because I started to think, what if these thoughts were right? That I couldn’t get out of this situation. That I served to suffer because I got myself into this, The sorrow that came with is was imagination able. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat These thoughts just ate away at me. I couldn’t stop crying. Nothing made me happy. I was tormented. I started yelling at God, “Why did you even bring me out here? I had a home. I was content where I was. I had people. Where is the support system I was promised?! Send your Holy Spirit to comfort me! I WANT A HUG I WANT TO BE LOVED I WANNA GO HOME!”
I started to audibly cry. I tried my best to keep quiet for it was the middle of the night. But I couldn’t stop sobbing and crying out to God. A while later, I heard a knock on my door. My roommate had heard me crying and came to comfort me. She sat upon my bed and just held me while I cried, no words just comfort. It was such a sweet moment, as if the Holy Spirit was loving on me through my roommate. After I calmed down, I explained the situation to her and the words I remember her saying is that, “You are not alone. Don’t ever think that you are alone. We will figure this out together.” It’s as if those were the words my father was saying to me. After she ministered to me, I was filled with so much peace I went straight to sleep right as the sun was rising. That was another sign that I wasn’t alone because when I had felt alone during the night, the thought, “Joy comes in the morning” (Ps30:5) came into my head and I thought all I have to do is last until the morning. Well, peace found me with the sun. “In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8 NIV
When I woke up, the peace was there but not as strong. Probably because I started letting my thoughts run wild again. I decided to try and take control of my thoughts and think positively, “God is Kind. He will save me from my distress.” “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”(2Cor10:5.) It was slow going but I managed to get through the morning. My roommate and I went to church close to noon. Bradon Smith gave a message about, ‘The Hope That Does Not Disappoint.’ In that message, we looked at Romans 5 which spoke of tribulation. When you find yourself in tribulation, know that is not how the story ends. That there is a hope that does not disappoint. During that message I asked God for people. For friends and for a community. I’m here to tell you that God answers prayers. Right after service someone I had met previously came up to me and invited me to the movies. After that, I said hi to another person I had previously met and they ask me how I was doing. I broke and told them everything. They understood because they have been dealing with similar things and they prayed for me. And after that I said hello to more people I knew and met someone new. That morning was full of great conversation and caring people. It was as if God was showing me that I wasn’t alone, yet again. That there are people here that I can lean on. & if I’m being honest I had isolated myself recently. I had chosen to be alone, therefore I had felt alone. Don’t get me wrong we all need some alone time but always try and be in community. Because when we are not the enemy will use that to attack us.
Attheend: (This is turning out longer than expected.)
At the end, I contacted everyone that came to mind through text. I asked for prayers for this situation and for God to soften the hearts of those I would need to speak with to make this wrong right. “But where do you get the idea that you can get out of this situation, Olguine?” the thoughts in my head still pressisted. I had to tell myself over and over again, “I worry not. For the peace that transcends all understanding guards my heart and mind.” By the end of the day the situation was resolved and everything went back to the way it should be. Even though the mistake was on my end, God showed up and delivered me. ‘The troubles of my heart are enlarged: O bring thou me out of my distresses. ‘ Psalms 25:17. He saved me even then and all I had to do was call upon his name. The name of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe.
What I learned:
On the day of the mistake, I tried to calm myself down. I remember hearing Katia Adams saying the words, “God is Kind.” in the message, What the Enemy doesn’t want to you know. This message ended with, “Surely Goodness and Mercy will follow me all of my days.” The word follow here is radaph in Hebrew and it means to pursue, to run after, to chase. I went to my bible app to listen to the whole chapter. & if you have the bible app after you hit play you know that it just keeps going and going until you stop it. It went on to the next chapter where I heard the words, ‘The earth is the Lord ’s, and all its fullness, The world and those who dwell therein.’ Psalms 24:1 it showed me that God never under a situation but always above the situation it. This chapter talked all about God’s glory. After this was Psalms 25 came on and spoke about deliverance. ‘The troubles of my heart are enlarged: O bring thou me out of my distresses. ‘ Psalms 25:17.
Later on in the day, I listened to Living An Impossible life on Frequentsee. Towards the end of this message Katia Adams talks about miracles. She points out that Jesus didn’t perform miracles to show off his power but rather to show his love and compassion. If you read the Gospels or even just the Bible in general, you will see God moved because of his compassion. Examples: When Hannah cries out because she is barren (1Samuel 1.) When the Isrealites cry out while in bondage (Exodus 2 and 3.) When the disciples cry out when they are in the storm (Mark 4:35-41.) When the blind man cries out to Jesus Luke 18:35-43.) We see God moves in these situations.
“God is Kind.”
Next time, when you’re in between a rock and a hard place just remember these words. God is kind. You are seated in heavenly places with Chirst Jesus. You are not looking at your problems through the eyes of the world but through the eyes of your father. Align yourself with his words and his thoughts and you will see and understand, that hopelessness is not the end of the story. There is a hope that does not disappoint. & Mostly importantly, you have a father in heaven who deeply cares for you, you are NOT alone.
‘Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.’Psalms 30:5b
‘For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) ‘Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;2 Corinthians 10:3-5
‘The troubles of my heart are enlarged: O bring thou me out of my distresses. ‘Psalms 25:17.
‘Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. ‘Philippians 4:6-7
“In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.”Psalm 4:8 NIV
The name of the LORD is a strong tower; The righteous run to it and are safe.Psalm 18:10
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I talk more about Heaven to Earth Thinking in my next post.
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